My · Outlet

...that gets upset with other people due to the mind games I'm playing with myself.  I've gotta just let everything be and grasp my life in Texas.  Let go, Let God.  Mom's tattoo.
I know I want a change, but to throw myself into it is just a little extreme.  I've got so many questions, but I don't want to know any of the answers.  I know what I want and it isn't reality.  It's a conflicting, improbable and irrational scenario that is incomplete.  In other words, none of this makes sense.  I feel very susceptible to hurtin' right now, and I'm not sure if I'm making or just letting myself be.
Big ideas are bad ideas.  Thinking about the future instead of looking each second in the eye and dealing with it can get me into too much trouble.  Any kind of future.  All possibilities.  The future freaks me out, hardcore.
Tiny things have such far-reaching effects.  I dislike that.  At this point in my life, I'd love simplicity.  Not realistic.  One person's decision can seep into my brain and cause anxiety that translates to physical pain.  There are too many 'one persons' in my head right now.  I depend so much on others, but down here, I only have myself.
I feel...forlorn.  Word of the year.

So many things are going so well in my life right now.  I'll give a quick snapshot.
I'm student teaching at the best school with the best students and the best co-op.  Period.
I have an amazing new clarinet.
I have an incredibly exciting and awesome future ahead of me in regard to graduate school and Texas.
I have a Brittany Kelleher in my life, which brings me even more joy than those things above.
And most of all...
My boyfriend is the best, the most amazing, incredibly exciting and totally awesome person in my life.  The boy is a miracle...because who could have ever imagined that we would have found this love, cultivated it and spent the rest of our lives enjoying it together?  I love Colin Bitter with all of my heart and my heart wants to STAY PUT!

Just thought I'd share ;-)

I know nothing for sure.  I barely even know anything kinda.  If this is what I want, then why does everything suck so hard and make me so sad?  Why can't my eyes stay dry for 2 minutes when I talk to him...  I don't know what I want.  That blows because it affects more than just me.

Dan and I broke up.  I might kill myself right now.  (Metaphorically speaking, not really really.)

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck repeat

I have two options, basically.  I often think "what if," but the repercussions of either physically bring me to tears.  It fucking blows.  I'm not a cruel person.  There is a whole lot of love in me...  Either way, I'll be hurting myself and someone else.  Either way, I'll be miserable for a while.  Either way, I don't know.  I'm so fucking distraught.  Everything's a lie.  That's a lie.  Only I am a liar.  No, the things in my head/heart are liars.  They lie to my decision-making glands and my sense of rationality.  I don't know what I'm saying.  I just know that I'm a terrible person, and that upsets me...

Fuck life.

I love Brittany and our escapades.  Ho.  Lee.  SHHHH.  It!